Raw honesty pours forth emotions, which can be later read for greater insight and deeper reflection. Do not be afraid and withhold them from your own diary, which is meant to be a garden of the mind.
This is more of an update post about my thoughts and feelings as of lately. I figured after the previous post’s wondrous change of heart, mind, attitude, whatever it is that moved me to start seeing life differently – that I should follow up on that. Of course, I always write with the most passion at the wee hours of early “night” (it is 2:33AM as of this writing).
Lately, I realized I am much less irritable in real life. While I still retain most of my introverted ways, something seems to have changed. The other day last week, I spent the day with my younger sister just to go eat out at one of our competitor’s bakery. DDO never quite leaves my mind, but at the time I actually felt happy spending time with my family and friends. I didn’t feel stressed or agitated. Because of my dedication and investment into DDO, every second mattered to me that I wasn’t spending into the game. Now, something has changed.
The day we spent just eating and conversing at the bakery was rather a plain, simple day. I would probably not describe it as my go to activity or that it is fun to me naturally, but experiencing the day myself was not so bad. We simply talked about the quality of the breads, random chatter, and work stuff. When I got home, I felt unusually refreshed, but only slightly before I hopped back onto DDO.
I must confess, that deep down DDO is my passion and my poison. Perhaps it is the natural addictive quality of games itself or that I naturally have specialized and often obsessive interests, but while I am immensely passionate and enthusiastic in my own quiet and preferred solitude of the game, a part of me cannot help but feel damaged as well. And this is what I refer to as an unbreakable cycle because I am trying to escape, but am unable to bring myself to take the first step. As expected from my idle nature, I don’t want to move, I just want to continue to sleep forever and relish this sweet, deceptive dream of what is truly an alternate reality – a double, more ideal life.
Perhaps this is partly why I struggle with self identity. Well, to say struggle is not even accurate however – what really is the root of it all is the fact that nothing but apathy remains in this soft shell. It is my senses dulled to every other point besides DDO. Quite a few friends, particularly guildies of mine, have basically reached this point of greater actualization of their own desires in life. By that, I mean that they are doing well in real life or are busy with the things that do matter rather than devoting half their life to a game (like I have, continually doing so). And this is kind of the tricky question for me: do I oversimplify this issue by triumphing real life over my in game life? While this seems like a rhetorical question with a no-brainer answer, it is a hard question for me to answer because of my undying love for the game, the community, the experiences that DDO has provided me in the 6+ years I’ve been playing. And what is one of the root causes that begins this uncertain stirring within me? My future career and life ahead of myself. The fact that there is no stability in my personal life is but a stark contrast to the in game “life.” In a way, when Avia once told me about the kind of double life she leads in real life versus game, I understood precisely what she was talking about because that is how I would describe these strange feelings rising within me, and my situation overall.
This is the first time I am writing to address that this is a problem. I can say that I know it all along but when I actually address it as such, it kind of puts things in a different tone and perspective. Out of the 6 years, I have felt this way for maybe the past 3-4 years. And even now I cannot bring myself to say it. God knows, because I have been praying about this for years. But it is Him that I have hurt, and in turn have hurt myself out of selfishness and stubbornness. Almost ever since I seriously began to play DDO more than just a hobby, my relationship with God, my family, and friends (even potential friends whom I have lost the opportunity to bond with) have been dismissed or strained. Not so strained to the point that I feel that all is lost or that tensions are high, but it is enough to make me stop and think, “What am I doing?”
I wonder if this truly is a turning point for me. Am I just saying it because I want it to be? I’m not sure. I certainly do feel a tugging desire to continue to play DDO. Not once, ever have I ever abandoned DDO for another game or hobby. But it is precisely that that I feel I have lost so many opportunities, and ultimately, have idolized the game to be my new god. I know this is getting religious and personal, but as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve known this truth for the longest time, something that I have been carrying and arguably still do carry today. Just knowing something wrong, however, doesn’t make it right; in fact, it is even more wrong that nothing has been done. Well, I suppose “nothing” is too absolute of a term in my case, but it is not the desired result that I seek.
I have always been an avid lover of games and art. It is not that DDO is the perfect game that I suddenly fell mad in love with, with no other interests – as if I were a DDO savant. Rather, I feel that I could have expanded my horizons over the years to more than just a few games that I had obsessions over. This was something DDO also taught me internally, through my latest TR project that I should at least try other things. Somehow, I could apply the principle in game but not in real life, ironically. Yet again, with the push comes the pull: I feel that this need to “expand my horizons” is just a facade in order to advance my career – that I should do it because I have to or else. People around me constantly tell me that. Can I not just be happy now? It’s a complex question with multiple answers, or even the lack thereof.
All of this combined is why I feel quite stirred as of lately, with no other better way to describe it. My renewed motivation to do art again was the ignition to a phoenix of passion, that rises to deeper contemplation. I think these small steps I am finally taking have uplifted my outlook in life. I’m wanting to go outside more, even if it’s only by slightly, and I’m not agitated if I haven’t even logged in for one, two, three days. I started working a lot more on this blog, which has been almost a symbol of my apathy; typically the average post is once per month.
I am not sure where I am exactly going with this now. I’m falling asleep a little, too. Even though a huge, greater part of me certainly doesn’t want to just drop or let go of DDO (in even the slightest), this is also how I feel deep down. It is very contradictory and confusing, which is why I also feel unsettled and have been for years. I don’t even want to mention it and never have all these years until now. For God knows whatever reason.
On the bright side, all these thoughts and feelings have culminated at least a few ideas for blog posts. As I wrap this post up at 3:43AM, I’ll have something to look back on and come to terms with some of these feelings or make some sense into my life as I think deeper. My mind is truly a place where I feel safe and free, which is both good and bad. But thinking helps me understand myself better, hence the importance of maintaining a blog like this. Beyond a recreational surface level of writing in a blog website, it’s grown to mean more than that for me. Sometimes, knowing that some people do read what I write I cannot help but feel a little embarrassed and not totally open because of that. But when I personally read back on these — I think I understand myself a little better.